Hey!! ~ I've been really busy lately. Working alot on this grassroots project that my friends and I are launching. Should be soon. Been working hard at building a full-on website and gathering the team. Here they are above. Steve is 99% done with the promo video and I am really excited for people to see it. I cried when I saw a rough edit. It is weird. I know I have this condition. I live with it...but I don't center my life around it. I try to still live despite it. But, seeing myself talk and explain the severity was really hard...I was almost shocked. That happens every once in awhile. I'm shocked just like everyone else. After all, you usually just watch 'those' people on TV or the news...you're not supposed to be one of them. I cried, because it was like explaining to myself the reality of the severity and it is a hard thing to swallow. I try not to be fearful. I try to not let it lead me...but sometimes it grabs me and the tears come.
Anyways, I'm probably just tired. This type (design) of work takes alot of hours, and days, of work and especially because we are doing everything ourselves. Everything is volunteer. Our time, our money - it all comes from us. I've been really excited, but right at this very moment I have some insecurities if it will do well. I hope it does...I think I feel this way right now, because I've just been working on it for so long now. But, it has been fun setting it up - I must admit. More fun that any other ARM event or project that I've done over the years. I think it is because there is a sense of ownership and this is our thing and our way of expressing the method of giving.
Sometimes I feel overly worked and consumed with advocacy and I want to help others help, but I can only stretch myself so thin. Many times people want to help, but they just don't know how to or they feel like anything they would do is not enough. It's hard for me, because I can't be everywhere and provide materials and planning for everyone that wants to help. Though, I wish I could.
In the website I'm building I had each of the members write a small bio. I want people to feel like they know us. I don't want them to see us as just doing a charity, but regular people sharing their lives and through it hope that someone will listen. One of the riders, Viet, sent me his bio this morning. It was 6am and I opened it on my iphone. I was laying in bed and I started to read it to Jason. I couldn't read it clearly, because it was making me cry, so he read it for me. I guess many times we don't really express how we feel to one another, particularly for guys as it's not fashionable to show vulnerability. The times I feel like no one is listening or no one 'see's' the reality--I am proved wrong when I read such words written about me, and I realize they see exactly what is going on. They are sometimes just at a loss...
I'm incredibly thankful to the guys for taking off a week of work and putting their time into this project. It means more than I could ever express to them. I'm not sure if they know it, but I feel like I'm on this marathon sometimes, and like all of us, sometimes we need that encouragement...that motivation to keep pushing on. I know I do. Sometimes, I just want to give up and leave it all, too. I've been needing more help...I'm just burnt out. It's not just the work, but I put alot of myself into the work. My whole being is involved and I really do care about everything I try to do. They, and this project, are my water station in the race...my encouragement that I'm not alone. My towel boys. It's better doing the work when there are others alongside you.